How is it that I can sleep, uninterrupted, for 12 hours and still feel like shit when I wake up? I don't like to think of myself as lazy, but fuck, why am I exhausted after sleeping for half a day? Of course, this just feeds into my lack of self-respect and esteem; only shiftless, lazy morons can't get a good night's sleep.
Yes, this is how my mind works. It's fun being damaged.
Also, there's something I want to address that's been bugging me for a week or so now. I've been told at various times that I have a rather misogynistic outlook; I make demeaning comments about women, sex, consent, etc.. It bothers me, as I don't believe myself to be one - most of my friends are female, and I generally think I treat them with as much respect as I do men - and I'm not intending to *be* demeaning, but I slip into it rather frequently, often without even noticing.
For example, on this blog I recently made the comment that girls who dress seductively and post pictures of it on their online dating profiles are asking to be objectified; I believe the exact term was "you come off as an all-you-can-eat buffet." It didn't even occur to me that this was anything beyond sound advice until I was taken to task by my sister-in-law's sister. Mind you, she was absolutely right to do so; I'm far from perfect and welcome the rebuke when it's warranted.
All I can do is attempt to be more sensitive about demeaning and degrading comments and realize that, as a man in a largely patriarchal society, I have to be more conscious about the damage that I can do with my words. You don't have to be a rapist to be a misogynistic ass, I guess.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
An experiment
At the urging of my parents I've decided to keep a running log, or diary, of my mental state on a day-to-day basis, in the hopes of being better able to track my progress and regress. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up for, but I figure it's worth trying.
I woke up today at 8:30 or so as my dad was leaving for work. I got up, let the dog out, and promptly fell back asleep until 1. I went upstairs, made coffee, and fell asleep on the couch for another hour. Note that I still felt exhausted afterwards, but hey, at least there was coffee now.
I went down to my room and ate breakfast over the next hour while reading various blogs, watching videos on Youtube, etc.. I remember feeling dazed, like I had lost the capacity for emotion and affect. It's like looking at the world through a fogged window.
I watched a couple episodes of The Shield, continuing until my father got home around 4. We talked for a bit, then we both went upstairs to make dinner. My mother noticed that I "wasn't myself," and the three of us talked for close to an hour about what I need to do to get feeling better.
I feel as though my life is not only not going anywhere, but that it's going to get gradually worse until I lash out at someone else or I turn my anger completely inward and destroy myself.
It's an awful feeling to be simultaneously powerless and furious. I have so much hatred and self-loathing inside of me and no healthy way of coping with it.
I woke up today at 8:30 or so as my dad was leaving for work. I got up, let the dog out, and promptly fell back asleep until 1. I went upstairs, made coffee, and fell asleep on the couch for another hour. Note that I still felt exhausted afterwards, but hey, at least there was coffee now.
I went down to my room and ate breakfast over the next hour while reading various blogs, watching videos on Youtube, etc.. I remember feeling dazed, like I had lost the capacity for emotion and affect. It's like looking at the world through a fogged window.
I watched a couple episodes of The Shield, continuing until my father got home around 4. We talked for a bit, then we both went upstairs to make dinner. My mother noticed that I "wasn't myself," and the three of us talked for close to an hour about what I need to do to get feeling better.
I feel as though my life is not only not going anywhere, but that it's going to get gradually worse until I lash out at someone else or I turn my anger completely inward and destroy myself.
It's an awful feeling to be simultaneously powerless and furious. I have so much hatred and self-loathing inside of me and no healthy way of coping with it.
Friday, July 23, 2010
This is why my skin burns when exposed to holy water
I submitted this as a letter to the editor in the St. Catharines Standard. It remains to be seen if they've the balls to print it, but fuck it, I liked it.
"I was driving with my dad the other day and passed a church with the seemingly innocuous pronouncement that "Salvation is not achieved, but received." I can think of no stronger condemnation for religious thought than this flatly immoral prospect. In one fell swoop the folly of religion is lain clear; your worth is determined by your credulity and not your action. No wonder, then, that the happiest atrocities are carried out by the "godly."
Even if your god does exist - and I submit that the case has never been made - he would still be a petty tyrant worthy of naught but scorn and derision. Our greatness as a species stems from cooperation and community; let us move beyond the artificial barriers of religion once and for all. Our survival depends on it."
"I was driving with my dad the other day and passed a church with the seemingly innocuous pronouncement that "Salvation is not achieved, but received." I can think of no stronger condemnation for religious thought than this flatly immoral prospect. In one fell swoop the folly of religion is lain clear; your worth is determined by your credulity and not your action. No wonder, then, that the happiest atrocities are carried out by the "godly."
Even if your god does exist - and I submit that the case has never been made - he would still be a petty tyrant worthy of naught but scorn and derision. Our greatness as a species stems from cooperation and community; let us move beyond the artificial barriers of religion once and for all. Our survival depends on it."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Online Dating 101
Plenty of Fish, the world's largest free dating site, is, to be blunt, fucking funny. For every well-written profile featuring the interesting factoids so vital in sparking a flame there's at least 100 that read like the not-quite-there drafts of a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters attempting to recreate the entire works of Hustler. It's ridiculous to think that one shall find a potential mate, someone to have, cherish, and hold, 'til death, etc., when your profile is written in alternating caps and txt spk. It's like running for president and having all your ads performed by Famous People Players; it doesn't inspire confidence.
Now, far be it from me to give advice on actual dating; that shit's so far beyond my ken that I view it as more a sociological experiment - hypotheses: girls are fickle and impossible to please - than a serious shot at making that one connection that makes all the others shitty in comparison.
No, my advice only goes so far as the profile. So, for all you losers in love who, like me, have turned to the last bastion of the lonely and listless for lethario scenarios, here are some helpful hints separated by gender.
Men
1) Shirtless pictures are an instant turn-off for the opposite sex. Why? Because you're trying to make a good first impression; telling the world that all you have going for you is your cheese-grater abs means you're a dunderfuck who couldn't carry a conversation in a bucket. Cut it out.
2) Pictures taken in front of expensive vehicles, pictures featuring you flipping gang signs, pictures in which you're drunk or high, pictures in which you're surrounded by women, etc., speak to insecurity. You want your personality to shine through in everything you put in your profile; such things as those listed make you look like an asshole.
3) No, seriously, no fucking gang signs. And un-pop your fucking collar, you collossal bag of douche.
4) Take some time to write an interesting profile. Don't just write "there's too much to list, so just message me if you're interested." Interested in what? Sell yourself. Like a whore. Exactly like a whore.
5) And for fuck's sake, if your preview has more squiggly red lines than Cthulhu on his period, don't even try to date. Stay far away from dating. And breeding.
Women
1) Yes, we know you don't want a one-night stand. That's what Lavalife is for. But drop the ambiguity by making sure your photos don't make you look like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
2) The eyes are the window to the soul. Or would be if we had souls. We don't, so don't tell us that god is #1 in your life. That's about the biggest turn-off imaginable; it says you're boring, you'll wake us up early on Sundays, and your dad owns a shotgun. We fear shotguns a lot more than god.
3) If under body type you put "prefer not to say," it means you're fat. You're not fooling anyone, and frankly, there are more dudes out there who like it than not, at least if they're being honest.
4) As with the men, put *some* effort into writing an interesting profile. If you won't spend the time to make yourself stand out, why the fuck should *we* spend the time to dig it out of you?
5) Nothing is less attractive than children. Photoshop them out of everything and hide them in the attic for the first year of dating. After that he's legally fucked anyway, so you've got nothing to lose.
There, I hope I've done my part to make the Internet a happier, healthier, more-fuckable place.
Now, far be it from me to give advice on actual dating; that shit's so far beyond my ken that I view it as more a sociological experiment - hypotheses: girls are fickle and impossible to please - than a serious shot at making that one connection that makes all the others shitty in comparison.
No, my advice only goes so far as the profile. So, for all you losers in love who, like me, have turned to the last bastion of the lonely and listless for lethario scenarios, here are some helpful hints separated by gender.
Men
1) Shirtless pictures are an instant turn-off for the opposite sex. Why? Because you're trying to make a good first impression; telling the world that all you have going for you is your cheese-grater abs means you're a dunderfuck who couldn't carry a conversation in a bucket. Cut it out.
2) Pictures taken in front of expensive vehicles, pictures featuring you flipping gang signs, pictures in which you're drunk or high, pictures in which you're surrounded by women, etc., speak to insecurity. You want your personality to shine through in everything you put in your profile; such things as those listed make you look like an asshole.
3) No, seriously, no fucking gang signs. And un-pop your fucking collar, you collossal bag of douche.
4) Take some time to write an interesting profile. Don't just write "there's too much to list, so just message me if you're interested." Interested in what? Sell yourself. Like a whore. Exactly like a whore.
5) And for fuck's sake, if your preview has more squiggly red lines than Cthulhu on his period, don't even try to date. Stay far away from dating. And breeding.
Women
1) Yes, we know you don't want a one-night stand. That's what Lavalife is for. But drop the ambiguity by making sure your photos don't make you look like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
2) The eyes are the window to the soul. Or would be if we had souls. We don't, so don't tell us that god is #1 in your life. That's about the biggest turn-off imaginable; it says you're boring, you'll wake us up early on Sundays, and your dad owns a shotgun. We fear shotguns a lot more than god.
3) If under body type you put "prefer not to say," it means you're fat. You're not fooling anyone, and frankly, there are more dudes out there who like it than not, at least if they're being honest.
4) As with the men, put *some* effort into writing an interesting profile. If you won't spend the time to make yourself stand out, why the fuck should *we* spend the time to dig it out of you?
5) Nothing is less attractive than children. Photoshop them out of everything and hide them in the attic for the first year of dating. After that he's legally fucked anyway, so you've got nothing to lose.
There, I hope I've done my part to make the Internet a happier, healthier, more-fuckable place.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
An explanation of sorts for yesterday's post
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Saturday, July 10, 2010
My new dating profile
This is what happens when spam bots try to get me to join their dating sites.
What are you here for?
I'm here to set the world on fire, by which I mean I'm a dangerous pyromaniac.
Describe yourself:
I'm tall, pasty, and somewhat good-looking from most angles. I blame my Irish heritage for the glow-in-the-dark whiteness and the unfortunate facial characteristics on fetal alcohol syndrome.
What I am looking for:
Someone who doesn't irk me. You can contribute to the cause by: not typing like you're texting your "bestie," showing at least a basic grasp of the English language (I'm no expert and I do make mistakes, but c'mon, unless you're one of those flipper-handed folk you have no excuse for writing like a retard), having something to talk about beyond Twilight or Sex in the City 2: Rich, Racist Bitches in Dubai, etc.. If this is too much to ask, do us both a favor and go away.
If this doesn't get me women, nothing will.
What are you here for?
I'm here to set the world on fire, by which I mean I'm a dangerous pyromaniac.
Describe yourself:
I'm tall, pasty, and somewhat good-looking from most angles. I blame my Irish heritage for the glow-in-the-dark whiteness and the unfortunate facial characteristics on fetal alcohol syndrome.
What I am looking for:
Someone who doesn't irk me. You can contribute to the cause by: not typing like you're texting your "bestie," showing at least a basic grasp of the English language (I'm no expert and I do make mistakes, but c'mon, unless you're one of those flipper-handed folk you have no excuse for writing like a retard), having something to talk about beyond Twilight or Sex in the City 2: Rich, Racist Bitches in Dubai, etc.. If this is too much to ask, do us both a favor and go away.
If this doesn't get me women, nothing will.
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