At the urging of my parents I've decided to keep a running log, or diary, of my mental state on a day-to-day basis, in the hopes of being better able to track my progress and regress. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up for, but I figure it's worth trying.
I woke up today at 8:30 or so as my dad was leaving for work. I got up, let the dog out, and promptly fell back asleep until 1. I went upstairs, made coffee, and fell asleep on the couch for another hour. Note that I still felt exhausted afterwards, but hey, at least there was coffee now.
I went down to my room and ate breakfast over the next hour while reading various blogs, watching videos on Youtube, etc.. I remember feeling dazed, like I had lost the capacity for emotion and affect. It's like looking at the world through a fogged window.
I watched a couple episodes of The Shield, continuing until my father got home around 4. We talked for a bit, then we both went upstairs to make dinner. My mother noticed that I "wasn't myself," and the three of us talked for close to an hour about what I need to do to get feeling better.
I feel as though my life is not only not going anywhere, but that it's going to get gradually worse until I lash out at someone else or I turn my anger completely inward and destroy myself.
It's an awful feeling to be simultaneously powerless and furious. I have so much hatred and self-loathing inside of me and no healthy way of coping with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment