Online Dating 101

Plenty of Fish, the world's largest free dating site, is, to be blunt, fucking funny. For every well-written profile featuring the interesting factoids so vital in sparking a flame there's at least 100 that read like the not-quite-there drafts of a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters attempting to recreate the entire works of Hustler. It's ridiculous to think that one shall find a potential mate, someone to have, cherish, and hold, 'til death, etc., when your profile is written in alternating caps and txt spk. It's like running for president and having all your ads performed by Famous People Players; it doesn't inspire confidence.

Now, far be it from me to give advice on actual dating; that shit's so far beyond my ken that I view it as more a sociological experiment - hypotheses: girls are fickle and impossible to please - than a serious shot at making that one connection that makes all the others shitty in comparison.

No, my advice only goes so far as the profile. So, for all you losers in love who, like me, have turned to the last bastion of the lonely and listless for lethario scenarios, here are some helpful hints separated by gender.

Men

1) Shirtless pictures are an instant turn-off for the opposite sex. Why? Because you're trying to make a good first impression; telling the world that all you have going for you is your cheese-grater abs means you're a dunderfuck who couldn't carry a conversation in a bucket. Cut it out.

2) Pictures taken in front of expensive vehicles, pictures featuring you flipping gang signs, pictures in which you're drunk or high, pictures in which you're surrounded by women, etc., speak to insecurity. You want your personality to shine through in everything you put in your profile; such things as those listed make you look like an asshole.

3) No, seriously, no fucking gang signs. And un-pop your fucking collar, you collossal bag of douche.

4) Take some time to write an interesting profile. Don't just write "there's too much to list, so just message me if you're interested." Interested in what? Sell yourself. Like a whore. Exactly like a whore.

5) And for fuck's sake, if your preview has more squiggly red lines than Cthulhu on his period, don't even try to date. Stay far away from dating. And breeding.


Women

1) Yes, we know you don't want a one-night stand. That's what Lavalife is for. But drop the ambiguity by making sure your photos don't make you look like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

2) The eyes are the window to the soul. Or would be if we had souls. We don't, so don't tell us that god is #1 in your life. That's about the biggest turn-off imaginable; it says you're boring, you'll wake us up early on Sundays, and your dad owns a shotgun. We fear shotguns a lot more than god.

3) If under body type you put "prefer not to say," it means you're fat. You're not fooling anyone, and frankly, there are more dudes out there who like it than not, at least if they're being honest.

4) As with the men, put *some* effort into writing an interesting profile. If you won't spend the time to make yourself stand out, why the fuck should *we* spend the time to dig it out of you?

5) Nothing is less attractive than children. Photoshop them out of everything and hide them in the attic for the first year of dating. After that he's legally fucked anyway, so you've got nothing to lose.

There, I hope I've done my part to make the Internet a happier, healthier, more-fuckable place.