I'm an attractive, reasonably intelligent, well-spoken, honest, and, most obviously, tall man. I've been told these are desirable traits. Oddly enough, I don't date much. I'd go so far as to say I don't date at all. This puzzles some people. Well, ye shall puzzle no more!
You know how they say that until you love yourself you can't love another? Well, it's true. I don't love myself. I don't even *like* myself. I'm 25, unemployed, shy as hell, and I live in my parents' basement on what amounts to their charity. These are not the qualities required to ride the bullet train into the Love Canal.
As well, I am quite introverted; for the most part, I prefer being on my own. I find it physically and mentally draining to spend more than a day with someone in my "space," so to speak. It's never personal, I just grow weary of being vulnerable.
Vulnerable, you say? Oh yes. I have trust issues. Who doesn't, I know. I've spent much of my life fearing intimacy and convincing myself that I'm better off alone. I don't like being touched, still -- although I have gotten somewhat better about that in recent years.
To top it off, I have some serious problems with anger; I tend to bottle my emotions because I don't know how to properly deal with and express them. I've spoken before of the seeming disconnect between my "gut" and my "intellect," and I have yet to figure out how to reconcile the two. On the one hand I wish to lash out make others as miserable as I am, but I *know* that's not acceptable. As I've said before, I'll turn the dagger unto myself... somewhat literally. I figure it's better to take it out on myself than another.
So, what's all this add up to? Someone who's built walls to keep himself safe. I'm afraid of giving straight answers to honest questions; again, so as to not make myself vulnerable. And no, it's not an act, I really can't tell when someone's attempting to flirt with me.
Oh, and I have a lackluster penis, so I'm fucked even if I do find someone willing to put up with my bullshit.
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I remember giving Jamie a speech when we first started dating, about my emotional walls and how he was gonna have an awful time breaking them down... well, turns out even after 27 years of not dating, with the right person it wasn't a problem at all. Don't give up on yourself yet!
ReplyDelete(Also, the other thing I realized - not having had your heart broken repeatedly is actually kind of an advantage. Enjoy!)